Sometimes in the early stages of a new relationship it is hard to be vigilant in looking for signs that your new boyfriend or girlfriend might be emotionally abusive. No abuser is going to come right out and tell you that they are an unhealthy catch so it is your duty to keep an eye peeled for red flags of possible emotional abuse.
Jealousy
While some jealousy may be normal, emotional abusers are abnormally jealous. Abusers may be jealous of your friends, your family. Abusers may even be jealous of your pets, your children, and previous relationships.
Control
An abuser will try to separate you from your friends and family. Abusers may complain to you about your friends or criticize your family. If your current romantic love interest asks you to cut off friends or other relationships, beware.
Hot Temper
Emotional abusers tend to be hot tempered and can be explosive in their anger. Think about it. Is this really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Perpetual Victim
The emotional abuser cannot accept responsibility for their own behavior or actions. As a result, the abuser blames others and places themselves in a constant state of victim-hood. While you may be tempted to feel sorry for these poor, neglected souls, look again. Eventually, the emotional abuser will blame you for everything.
Walking on Eggshells
People in abusive relationships often talk about how careful they are to not provoke their abuser in anyway. This feeling of constant emotional vigilance is known as walking on eggshells, and it is a classic sign of an abusive relationship.
Family & Friend Warnings
Family and friends may warn you about the emotional abuser. To those on the outside it is frequently obvious that you may be involved with someone who does not have your best interests at heart. Listen to the feedback of family and friends, it could save your life.
Makeup Sex or Abusive Sex
The emotional abuser likes to trap you in a cycle of fighting resolved by makeup sex. While some may find this sexy, it is an unhealthy repetition of bad behavior that should not be tolerated. The emotional abuser may also bully or demand sex from you. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you are like some sex doll always available for action. No means no, even in a marriage or committed relationship.
Constant Criticism
The emotional abuser systematically breaks down your self-esteem by criticizing everything you do, from how you dress, wear your hair, or even mundane things such as cutting vegetables. Slowly, the emotional abuser breaks down your self esteem by placing a negative and critical voice in your head.
Boundary Violation
If you are involved with an emotional abuser, they will violate your boundaries whenever possible. This might include reading your private journal, looking at your internet history, or perusing your cell phone records. You are entitled to privacy in any relationship.
So remember to keep these red flags in the back of your mind the next time you begin a relationship. An emotional abuser is a dangerous and toxic person to be around much less date or marry. If you are involved with an emotional abuser, seek out a treasured friend or family member to discuss your situation and to ask for advice and help. Also, consider that while not all emotional abusers become physical abusers, emotional abuse always precedes someone who crosses the line and becomes a physical abuser.
Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't treasure the unique and wonderful individual that you are.
Mary Rayme - Mary Rayme is a graphic designer and arts educator with a BFA from the Maryland Institute College of Art in Baltimore.
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